“Why is it that men don’t like shopping?”
It’s a question you’ll often hear mooted
and a source of dismay to most woman who’ll say:
“Shopping!, men simply aren’t suited”

So, why is it that men don’t like shopping?
I’ve a theory that might break new ground
It’s the way we are wired, we simply get tired
Of endlessly browsing around

Though you know it’s a female disease
you go in an effort to please
Ignoring the history, forgetting the misery
In a fateful attempt to appease.

She’ll have told you she’s after a skirt
Or a blouse or a coat or a shirt
Your advice is ‘essential’, your views ‘quintessential’
– she says, but you know you’ll get hurt.

Now, turning things right on their head
Let’s look at the man’s way instead
It works like a dream, with a different regime
For a bloke when he goes out to shop

I’ll tell you what happens with me
if I wake in the morning to see
That I need a new tie – I just go out and buy
a new tie – nothing more, just a tie!

Methodically, I’m straight on the case
First of all I’ll decide on a place
Where my visit’s expected, my opinion respected
and I’m treated with manners and grace

Once there I’ll request a selection
Of ties from their varied collection
He’ll bring me a few, in red, green and blue
Which he thinks is a tasteful cross-section

A start point, no more, as you’ll see
for we’ll playfully jostle and spree
In a battle of wills full of frissons and thrills
As we manfully seek to agree

Then after a quarter of an hour
I’ll exert my customer power
and make a decision with flair, wit and vision
and watch my adversary cower

But, he’s happy enough with my choice
As he says in obsequious voice
“Nothing good comes from haste, Sir has very good taste”
As we shake hands, smile and rejoice

I’m not tempted to graze or to roam
Or pass by other things or bemoan
I could have bought more whilst in that same store
No – job done and I’m ready for home

And if in a month, maybe two
I discover a hole in my shoe
There’s no dallying or doubting, I’ll repeat the whole outing
simply choosing a different venue

Of course, there is one complication
Which causes a deal of frustration
It takes no crystal gazing to guess while she’s grazing
She’s certain to buy things for me!

“Why can’t a woman” asked George Bernard Shaw
be more like a man?”  What a bore.
There’s no similarity – let alone parity
When we go out to shop in a store

March 2013