I’m thinking of taking up stalking
It seems like a fun thing to do
You’ll meet no resistance if you stay at a distance
From the people you choose to pursue

Just think of the folks you could follow
Politicians, celebs – rising stars
Boris J comes to mind – now what might you find
If you followed him into a bar?

You’d see that great jowel of his wobbling
as a stream of hubris tumbles out
All the things that he’s doing to save us from ruin
and how he will bring them about

But if you want the truth about pensions
Or did Gordon Brown give him the wink?
He’ll pour out his spin with that old rictus grin
And leave you to pay for his drink.

Stalking, stalking
It’s fine if you keep up the pace
Stalking, stalking
But take a disguise just in case

Or perhaps you should set your sights higher
Like Elton or Trudie and Sting
Gatecrash their party, be all hail and hearty
In your best bib and tucker – and bling

The truth is they won’t even notice
For half of their guests they don’t know
Just get past their heavies, make hay with the bevies,
Lie back and rejoice in the show

Watch Elton and Dave have a tantrum
Sarah Ferguson sucking her toes
Madonna all bustled, tight, tailed and muscled
While Wossy and Brand exchange blows

Posh and Becks will be there with the children
That’s Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz
Tear-arsing about while their Mum does her pout
and shows off her new pair of shoes

Stalking, stalking
It’s fine if you’re bolder than brass
Stalking, stalking
Make sure you don’t fall on your backside

But then as your stalking progresses
You’ll find that it loses appeal
And this harmless obsession will cause you depression
As you realise your subjects aren’t real

You’ll learn that these people aren’t normal
With their millions tucked safely away
But their grip on reality – never mind sexuality –
Is fragile and likely to stray

And that’s when you know it’s all over
That it’s best not to wander or roam
Real friends and relations beat plastic creations
Every time – hey, it’s more fun at home!

Stalking, stalking
It’s been going since tabloids begun
Stalking, stalking
It’s a mug’s game when all’s said and done

Updated, January 2020